The Dreaded Beep

So I don't think I emphasized enough just how irritating that beep is when I so luckily encounter a defected pod.  It's deafening.  It's one of those ringing tones that you just can't exactly place but you know it is so irritating that it needs to be put to an end.  The first time I experienced a failed pod it took my roommate and me about ten minutes to figure out where that annoying sound was coming from.  Once we did, I took out the pod and tried to pull it apart to make the ringing stop, but it wouldn't.  So I shoved it under my pillow and checked on it two hours later to find that the ringing switched to a clicking sound, much more bearable.  It eventually stopped and after reporting it to the company I discarded it.  This episode made my second encounter much easier to decipher and put to an end.  It was a similar situation - I had just arrived home from class from the Bronx and there was that same sound.. I felt like a pro - I know what that is!  I immediately reached into my bag, pulled out my packaged pod, unwrapped it and put it under my pillow.  This time the noise didn't stop, even after the 2 hours of it lying in my bed.  No problem though... "just put it outside", J said.  So that's what I did.  I threw it on our balcony and went to bed.  It's still sitting out there.
So this is annoying, but I guess I can put up with it.  A beep every so often isn't the worst thing in the world, especially because each time it happens I can call up to report it and each defected pod will be replaced in my next shipment.  One more thing to do, one more thing to think about, but ok, bearable.. and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.
Monday morning I got up at 7 AM, as usual, and started getting ready for work.  I have been leaving a post it on my bag that says - "Bring OMNIPOD", so that I don't have a repeat of the previous post.  I know it's silly but I have been feeling proud of myself when I remember to bring everything I need with me regarding my diabetes since the day I forgot my PDM.  Monday was one of those mornings where I felt like I needed to have my music.  There's just those days where I need to be a little lost in myself when it's that early in the morning and I'm too tired to let myself start thinking and getting all anxious about what I need to do.  So I had my ipod on the whole bus ride to work, the whole walk down Third Ave. before I got my coffee from 711, the rest of the walk to the nursery school, and up the stairs to the fourth floor where I check in to the office and get ready for my day of teaching.  I didn't shut my music until I exited the stairwell on the fourth floor and walked down the hallway to the main office.  Had I shut off my music a little earlier I may have heard IT earlier, but like I said, it was just one of those mornings.  I entered the office, said good morning to my boss, and went to check my mailbox.  And there it was.  The Dreaded Beep.  No problem.  I know what that is.  I don't know where I'll shove this beeping pod until it stops ringing but I'll figure it out.  I reached into my bag to take out my "just in case" pod only to find that that is not what was beeping.  I put it up close to my ear to be sure, but nope, that is not where it was coming from.  But I know that beep.  It's my beep.  But where was it?? I lifted my shirt to expose the pod that was on my stomach and the ringing got louder.  It was coming from me.  It was from the pod that I was wearing.  I pulled out my PDM and on it it read "POD ERROR, CHANGE POD, INSULIN DELIVERY HAS STOPPED".  Insulin delivery has stopped??  I was not getting any insulin?  Well that couldn't be good..
I walked into my boss's office and by her facial expression I knew she heard the beep.  Can you imagine an obnoxious sounding beep that is not stopping, and it's coming from your own body?? HOW EMBARRASSING!  I explained to her the situation to which she was obviously very sympathetic and understanding.  I immediately left work and obviously could not find a cab to speedily take me across town to put on a new pod.  The crosstown bus was approaching the stop and I hopped on, thinking that this would probably get me across town quicker than waiting around for a taxi.  I was racing.  I was angry and scared.  I was shaking.  Had I not been diagnosed in the way I was, I don't think I would experience this extreme stress I get each time something goes wrong, but the fact is, it's going to take a while for me to be calm about all this.  I knew I was not in DKA, I knew I wasn't going to start dropping pounds or going to the bathroom or feeling a chalky mouth where all I want to do is shove ice down my throat, but the anxiety I experience even at the thought is intolerable and overwhelming.  I couldn't sit still on the bus.  I was shaking, texting.  I didn't even attempt to take my mind off of it.  My mom called them immediately, it was the last thing I wanted to be doing and I think she knew that.  On the bus, I ripped the pod off my stomach.  It's not giving me anything anyways, let me remember what it was like to not be wearing this constant reminder of my chronic diagnosis.  Once I got home, I immediately pulled out a vial of insulin, a new pod and syringe to fill it and applied it to the opposite side of my stomach that the other one was on.  About 90 units of insulin down the drain since I had just switched my pod the previous evening before I went out to watch the superbowl (or sit in front of the TV doing school work pretending to watch the superbowl).  It had been working fine the night before, I was even a bit on the lower end when I got home from the game.  Who knows when it stopped working.  What if it happened while I was sleeping.  What if it happens when I'm asleep and the beep doesn't wake me up next time.  What if the next time this happens I'm in class.  All these uncertainties are extremely disconcerting and anxiety provoking.  It's not enough I need to control my diabetes, I need to now worry about this damn pod malfunctioning on me.  I'm told I have a good attitude and that is what is getting me through.  I know I have a good attitude.  I also have incredible support.  But these things just make me mad.  I know I'm doing great.  But how can I do great if I can't rely on the mechanics and the things that are out of my control.  I would not stop the pump.  As of now, I am still fascinated by it's function and benefits.  But I guess it will always be a love-hate relationship.

"I'd leave my head at home if it weren't attached"

As most of you know, I'm a pretty routine person.  I like to stick to my schedule, do what's comfortable, and prefer not to deviate from that.  In the slight chance that I do, it takes time for me to get accustomed but I usually am able to.  I've been told by many that I look like I have my shit together, but the key word here is look.  Diabetes has been one of those things that I just had to get accustomed to, I basically was not given a choice.  "You're such a scheduled person, if it's gonna happen to anyone you're the one that can handle it!" - FYI - that does not make me feel better about having it.  But anyways, the injection regimen I was on definitely lent itself to being incorporated into my structured lifestyle and I was quite thrown when I started on the pump and did not have to wake up at 8:30 AM to give my morning dose of Lantus and worry on Friday night that I would forget to give my evening dose because my phone was off and my alarm would not sound.  These were fantastic disruptions to my routine though.  Now, all I need to remember is to check my blood sugar, which I obviously do incessantly, and bolus (that means tell my omnipod how many carbs I'm eating so it can give me the appropriate amount of insulin to cover my food) before I eat.  Me and omniP, two peas in a pod.  I'd be lost without you... I found that out the hard way.
Whether it be waking up early for school or work, or sleeping a little later than usual on a weekend, the first thing I say good morning to is my PDM (Personal Diabetes Manager, the blackberry looking thing if you didn't catch that in my previous post).  I check my blood sugar, make sure I am in range, and start my day.  It was a typical Tuesday morning and my alarm went off at 7:05.  I checked myself, 98, perfect.  Got out of bed and got ready to go to work.  It didn't feel like morning as it was a gloomy, rainy day out, and the sun was not shining into my room the way I like.  I arrived to a chaotic morning at the nursery school, with three teachers absent, and me being put on standby until they decided if I was to go about my regular schedule of teaching Hebrew to the kids or as a substitute for one of the missing teachers.  I figured I'd eat breakfast as I waited to be told where to go.  I went to my bag to get my PDM to check and bolus for my cereal only to realize I had not brought it with me.  For such a "together girl", I felt like the most irresponsible, disorganized person.  For someone that prides herself on being in control of her diabetes, I forgot the most important component of my technologically advanced system that keeps me in control.  I joke that it looks like a blackberry but I clearly gave precedence to my actual blackberry that morning when I left for work.
My first reaction - ok, I won't eat any carbs.  If I don't eat carbs then I won't need to bolus.  I brought nuts, carrots, tuna.  I could survive til 2 pm like this.  But wait, the nicest part of the PDM is that it serves as a meter as well.  Therefore, I wouldn't be able to check my blood sugar without it and that I knew was not ok.  I quickly hopped in a cab, ran up to my apt., grabbed the damn thing and ran back to work.  I made it back in great time but I was embarrassed.  I was angry at my Omnipod.  How could it stay behind like that and abandon me??  I suppose it could've been worse.  I could've been in the Bronx in the middle of a class, and not right across Central Park.  But still, the only person I wasn't embarrassed to tell was my mother to which she replied the title of this post.  As a friend in school (H) pointed out, it was bound to happen.  People leave things places all the time and I guess it couldn't have happened in a better way.  But the thought of it happening in any worse way frightens me.  So I guess the take away message quoted by my dear roommate, J, "The Omnipod: Don't leave home without it".